Week 12 Blending Families and Aging Families

As I mentioned in an earlier post, everyone seeks for intimate relationships. So, people who are divorced or widowed fill the void by getting remarried. Remarriage comes with the possibility of blending families together. Children are in the mix of blending families, and it is  necessary to provide boundaries and to express love to the family. One video I really like that was showed in class, is a song by Brad Paisley called "He Didn't Have to Be." It really exemplifies a good way to blend families.

Also, I learned life doesn't end at age 45! To be honest, I didn't really even think about my life after my children would leave the house. I have learned about so many opportunities and experiences that could help me and my husband to become closer. It is a time to focus on each other again with out having to fill the role as a parent also. It is a time to explore many opportunities to continue learning, and teaching others what we learn.

Week 11 Parenting

Parenting is a divine role and an important responsibility to do effectively. There are three main types of parenting: Authoritarian, Permissive, and Authoritative (or active).  Authoritarian parenting is when the parents exercise maximum control and demand full attention and obedience. Discipline is likely to be severe and physical. Permissive parenting is when the parents minimize any control. Minimal guidance is given and the child feels they can get away with anything. The parent may not practice any discipline and be accepting of any behavior. Authoritative or active parenting is when the parents put boundaries on acceptable behavior through warmth toward the child. Their interactions with the child are with affection, and they encourage wise decision making. The latter technique is most Christ-like and is the most effective way to parent. President Thomas S. Monson said, "To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them."

One other important factor in parenting is mention in The Family Proclamation, "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity."

This is so powerful to me, children are ENTITLED to come to earth to a married couple who honor marital vows with complete fidelity! It is our job to provide that for them!

Week 10 Fathers and Finances

During class this week, I found it so interesting that throughout the whole history of the world work would involve the whole family. Only very recently did it start to involve the husband to go away for work.  Fathers take the role as a provider and protector of the family. The role of fathers is really important. I would like to include this essay I wrote that explains how fathers benefit their children and their family:

Importance of Fathers

Fathers are very important and beneficial to the whole family. From the readings, the most effective points from experiencing an involved father are that the children will do better in school, have higher self-esteem, have more self-control, and learn how to treat others better.

According to Fatherinstitute.org in an article called “Fathers’ Impact on their Children’s Learning and Achievement”, the higher the level of a father’s commitment in their child’s education, the better academically and behaviorally the child will do in school. The child will be less likely to get expelled or misbehave. They will also do better in their classes if they have a support system behind them and have the self-esteem that their fathers provide for them. Fathers highly impact their child’s self-esteem. As I learned in the article titled “The Importance of Fathers” from Psychologytoday.com, if a father has been involved with their child since the child was a baby, they are emotionally secure with themselves and with their fathers. They gain the self-security to explore new places and social scenes because they are comfortable and attached to their fathers. They will have to confidence to explore their surroundings.

Children also learn self-control from their fathers.  Fathers have more one-on-one unstructured, active play with their young children and toddlers, compared with the nurturing and protective nature of the mother. My Child Development textbook titled “The Developing Person” by Kathleen Stassen Berger goes over the fact that children are less likely to lash out in anger when they shared a responsive, warm relationship with their fathers starting as infants. For example fathers play more physically with their children. For example, a father might throw his child up into the air and then catch them, or he might encourage them to try to climb a tree. This teaches the child how to regulate their feelings and behavior by learning what is acceptable behavior in certain situations as demonstrated by their father. If fathers treat their family, especially their wife, the children’s mother, with respect and love, the children will learn how others ought to be treated. There is talk given in 2002 by F. Melvin Hammond titled “Dad, Are You Awake?” that expresses the importance of fathers treating their wives with respect and tender love. “…the way we [husbands and fathers] treat our wives could well have the greatest impact on the character of our sons.” He goes on to explain that if you abuse your wife in anyway, your child will despise you for that and also continue the behavior with their spouses. It is important for fathers to be respectful and loving to each member of the family because the children observe that behavior and learn how to treat people by the examples of their father.

My dad was absent when my siblings and I were growing up, so he was not involved with us very much. We lived very close, saw him often and he was over at our house frequently, but we were not interacting very much with each other. For example, he would come over to our house but only to talk to my mom, or talk with other adults, but not his children. As a result, I never felt very close to him. Since he was gone for a large portion of my childhood, I learned to live life without him. I discovered that this is why I may be having a difficult time getting close to people and sometimes struggle to build relationships with people, because I never felt that attachment and security with my father.

Since my father was not around often, he was not actively involved with our education. As a result, my older brother gave up on school during his senior year of high school. He ended up going to an alternative high school and graduating two years later than planned. I realize that if my father had been more concerned and excited about his academic achievement, my brother would have had more motivation to pull through and graduate on time. On the contrary, my younger brother has always gotten straight A’s and has always has been motivated to do work. There was no change in my father’s involvement with his education. On the other hand, I realize that my younger brother was watching my father’s work ethics more closely than my older brother was. My father has always kept a steady job as a locksmith and always finishes what he starts.

In my future family, once I get married and have children, I will encourage my husband to be involved in our children’s lives. One thing I will do that is really important is involve him right from the start, during pregnancy. If I involve him in going doctor’s appointments, speaking to my belly and tracking the baby’s development, he will grow a bond and attachment to the child even before our child is born. He will also feel more comfortable with our child because he is included and feels he is a part of the child’s life before it is born. Also, starting when our children are at a very young age, I will encourage my husband actively meet and play with each child one-on-one so he can assess their needs and gain a bond with each individual child. It is common for mothers to tend to ‘hog’ their children, especially infants, as a result the father doesn’t get to spend that much time with their child. It is not always done intentionally, but I will consciously make sure I will not do that and encourage interaction with their father.

I will plan for regular family activities where we can all come together as a family and have fun feeling comfortable with each other. With their father being present it will make them feel secure as a family. It will allow them to feel united as a family as a whole, like nothing is missing. Most importantly, I will acknowledge his hard work and involvement with our kids and express my appreciation for him. For example, I might say something along the lines of, “Honey, I think it is really great that you work so hard at your job and then come home and help the kids with their homework. I really appreciate you doing that.” If I acknowledge his efforts in his involvement with our children it will make him feel appreciated and needed and will continue to make an effort.

Week 9 Communication

Everyone has their own way to communicate. Some people use sarcasm, some people are more passive, some people use more non-verbal cues, and some people are blunt and say exactly what is on their mind. It is important to mete-communicate, to talk about how to communicate effectively with each other. This will solve many miscommunication problems. It is hard to decode sarcasm, since people say the exact opposite of what they mean, and you can get confused very easily. It is found that communication is done with 14% words, 35% tone of voice, and 51% with non-verbal cues.

That is really informative to understand that. My actions really do mean more than my words! People pick up on body language more than spoken words.

It is important for a married couple and family to develop shared meanings of symbols. One general authority made the statement that we should speak so clearly that there is no way we can be misunderstood. Counseling with councils is a great way to solve problems, get input from everyone in the family and then ask Heavenly Father for guidance. Not trying to solve it solely on your own.

Week 8 Families Under Stress

Crises in families are given as opportunities to grow. A crisis necessitates a change in systems in the family. I wish my parents viewed crises or stressful situations like this, so our family could have come out of it stronger. Their are two basic ways to handle stressful events, either to lean upon each other and work together as a whole to come out of the situation and being positive, or panic and blame and be very negative about the situation. Most of the stressors in my family were financial or work related. My mom would get so overwhelmed because she would work so hard and long hours at work, and still not be able to pay the bills. She would go into a depression for a time. I do not blame her for the way she dealt with things. I am just sad that our family missed an opportunity to grow stronger. 

God commands us to be cheerful, so we should approach our problems with cheer. Replace bad thoughts with good thoughts. Sometimes you have to actually tell yourself  "Stop!" and them think about it more positively. One useful way to talk about a solution to a bad situation is to define and describe reality with no judgement and no blame and brainstorm ways to work together to come out of the crisis. This will help you be resilient and bounce right back up after the crisis.

Week 7 Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

Humans seek and need intimate relationships. The intimate relationship between husband and wife is the most important one. The LDS church has a stand that you should abstain from sexual activities until you are bound by marriage. I strongly believe in this admonishment. The power of sexual intimacy is very powerful and could be dangerous if not used in the right setting.

Sexual intimacy is an expression of love, it creates families, facilitates becoming 'one', bonds your souls, and renews your covenants. It allows you to be completely selfless and focus on the needs of your spouse. I have learned that women need to feel safe and secure with their spouse in order to feel comfortable to be sexual. And men need to be intimate with their spouse to feel secure. It is important to be aware of each other's needs and accommodate.  I really like this quote by President Eyring about families, "Just as Jesus used a child in His mortal ministry as an example for the people of the pure love they must and could have to be like Him, He has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves. That is because the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is"

Week 6 Transitions in Marriage

Marriage is so important, and many couples fail to recognize all that comes with marriage and the transitions that take place. One little fun fact I learned in class is that in the U.S. a couple spends an average of $27,000 on their wedding. To me this shows that they spend more tie and effort in planning the actual wedding than their marriage. Another problem associated to an extravagant wedding is that you go into the marriage in debt, and that causes unnecessary stress.

When you get married you have to learn how to mesh your lives together and work together with everything. You have to budget together, balance the workload, learn intimacy, and gain relationships with each other's family members. When you go into marriage, you have unspoken expectations for your spouse, called private contracts. These are sometimes expectations of a spouse to do a lot of the housework, or to have expectations on the amount of intimacy or affection you show to each other. It is best to discuss these private contracts before getting married, so you guys are on the same page and no one is disappointed in the actual result.

One other important point is to involve fathers in the process of pregnancy. It is important that they feel important and gain that bond with the child during pregnancy. ALSO, express love and appreciation for each other everyday!!! Refrain fro criticizing!